How I Beat Porn!

Well I got a short post for this. Just a few little things I wanted to say and I'll start with this, this is the last post from me for the year. I've posted a decent amount this year and I think maybe I will try to post more over the next year as I have my random thoughts about God and Jesus and America and really whatever comes to mind that I think is important enough to blog about.

Well that said I guess its time to focus on the short little part that the title of this post is about and call it quits as I'm actually trying to play a game right now too but I really felt I needed to post this. So like the title says this is how I beat porn. There is no secret to be hidden about this, there is no program I downloaded, all there is is God, myself, and a story. I have a small backstory to it all and I'm gonna start a new paragraph to use to talk about it because I can :D.

Well the backstory goes as such: For Christmas I got Donald Miller's newest book, A Million Miles In A Thousand Years. I can't begin to describe adequately how much I liked the book, all I can say is I sat down and read it in one sitting without stopping.. I just couldn't stop. Anyways, so like I said I got the book for Christmas and read it in one sitting. The book is about writing the story of your life, kind of a subcontext of the book is that the story should be exciting. So as I read the book I thought in the back of my head about how I want my story to be fun, and exciting, and a good read, not to mention if it was made into a movie I would want the viewers to leave having enjoyed themselves and not demanding a refund of their 9$ spent to see it... Well lets face it porn addiction doesn't make for a good story so I decided to give it up. I finished the book and I laid in my futon thinking to myself about how I could make my story more exciting, into a better story overall.. So I decided to talk to God, not yell at God like I've become so good at.. To talk to God, to ask Him for the help and the grace I need to put away the box of stuff that was porn and to get out a new, bigger, better box He had left for me under the Christmas tree. So I put the old box down, closed it up, and decided to give the new box a chance see just how much better my story got. I can only speak of the day that I've been making a better story for myself, but thus far things have been swell.. When I get back to SBU I want to keep working on something of a social experiment.. I want to see if by applying the things I read about to everything I have to do daily, the mundane, bogus, check list of things I must do as a college student doesn't make the story of my time in college better.

If anyone still reads this blog at all, and if you want to know something more, I'm sure you know how to get a hold of me. If nothing else I link this to my Facebook page. Well this is all I had to say... Toodles. One love.

Just a thought or two about SBU...

So to clear this up before anyone freaks out. I AM NOT RIPPING ON SBU JUST TO BE RIPPING ON SBU... this time.

Here's a little back story to this. Tonight at dinner Taco, Biggins, and I were talking about how the schools prayer chapel seems to have become the home of SBU guilt trips. Well we were talking then these guilt trips are pretty much like look at this poster it shows info about how there are a million starving kids in Africa. Well, we decided you know those things are important, I think so more than either of them I do believe... Well we decided that maybe we should focus on the people here a little.

Here's the deal there are a LOT of male students at SBU who are addicted to pornography. What is the school doing to help them? Little of nothing. So the problem does not get any better. Here is a specific example from the conversation. When an alcoholic decides to stop drinking he stops going to the bar. Now lets think about this. When a porn addict decides to stop looking at porn he, especially if he is a college student, cannot do away with the computer. As a college student the majority of my life is wrapped up in my laptop and or the computers elsewhere. I cannot afford to give away my computer and if its not on my laptop it could be else where that porn would be viewed.

Ok well.. I've got to be honest with you now.. I got busy with stuff while writing this and so I stopped for awhile.. I'm gonna publish this now and IF I find something to add I will later. One love.

A lot to say tonight....

So like the title says I have a lot to say tonight. There will be a lot of rambling so if you take the time to read this I do appreciate your willingness to sit through my ramblings once again.

First I wanna complain about bureaucracy. Bureaucracy is a nasty little thing that makes us conform to what a couple rich people think is what is best or forever be the outcast of society. I think this is kind of funny because its a lot like a video game that I've played before. Fallout 3. Fallout 3 is an interesting game which takes place in an apocalyptic future in which the world has undergone nuclear fallout. Well the character that you play in the game becomes an outcast because he doesn't conform and become another "happy" dweller in the vault and runs away after his father who recently escaped from the vault they live in and needless to say this pisses off some people which instigates the events of the game. Well I think this is a great demonstration of how a bureaucracy works. I have so much running across my mind right now that I am just going to let it go and that be that yo.

Ok second thought for this fun little blog... I am slipping into severe depression. I am so dissatisfied with life right now that its all I can do most mornings to drag myself out of bed. No I don't want to kill myself or anything that is nonsense. I just want things to be different.. I want to be home and not at a college I hate, I want to love myself like I claim I love other people, and really I just want to be accepted for who I am. So this brings up something I've been hearing a lot of lately. We've had this speaker here this week, who I am very impressed by, and he has been talking about the things we thirst for. Such as intimacy, well since that is the example I gave it obviously has something to do with me so to throw it out there I'm gonna say why. It is the thing I thirst for, more than a girlfriend, more than being a musician which is my biggest dream, and more than even being away from this place I hate so much. Well above I mentioned I want to love myself the way I claim to love others and because of this need to love myself which I am not doing I am beginning to wonder how can I expect someone else, in particular a girl who I am dating (I'm still single) to love me when I can't love her because I am to busy wallowing in self-hate? I truly want your thoughts on this because I don't know what to think.

This brings me into what I think will be the last thing I post here I am not feeling like a huge blog and I just wanted to get a few things out there for my own sake.. Anyways, I've been questioning things lately. At one time in the past I wrote in a blog that I didn't think I was supposed to do ministry anymore, like that I had lost the call to ministry.. Well this maybe ties into that a little.. I've been questioning if I truly believe God loves me. I'm sure this is more common than I want to think but for someone who has experienced God's love it seems that its got to be a much less common thing.. See I just wonder lately if God loves me then why am I suffering through a miserable time at a school I hate and why is it that when I have pure motives finally have pure motives behind the women I am seeking to have a relationship with (dating wise) I get rejected but when I have sought after women for impure, sexual, lustful reasons the female in question is all about it? What kind of love from God, who is supposed to be good, can that be? I want answers.. I want to understand why it is that I feel like this and why is it that when I try my hardest to follow God that things fall apart more rapidly than when I'm kinda just like ehh whatever. I'm not even talking about bad things falling apart good things. Like pursuit of a girl, a good girl, with pure motives.. Why does that fall apart, why do I suffer from non-earthly, non-secular things..?

Well I've rambled on enough so I'm gonna just shut up and post this.. If this does get read.. Please please please post a response with some thoughts I need something I don't know what....

So I'm blogging cause I feel like I should update and...

And I don't wanna do my homework quite yet. So anyways I watched Into The Wild last night which is a movie I happen to love, just fyi. Anyways I have a point to this.. Several times in the movie there is this theme about loving people. Another constant theme which I'm not planning to talk about is that of not holding on to worldly possessions. Anywho, I wanna get to the point so I don't have to stay up all night reading. There is a scene in the movie where Chris is talking to Mr. Franz and they get to talking about "God's light and forgiveness" I wanna post this scene for you all, I also want to post a scene in the movie where Leonard Knight is telling Chris about the love of God and explaining to him how he wants the wisdom to love others, anyways here are the scenes and then maybe a little discussion after ward...





Ok well so I don't think there's anything for me to say here. If my reader's ever respond to anything ;) I believe we could converse on this topic or maybe you should just walk across the hall and we can do that in person. Anyways I'm done here. One love.

UPDATE WAHOO

So I'm gonna update a little because I love you the reader that much. I've been well busy I since my last update. Lets see what all has happened... Well there was a Bradley Hathaway concert here at SBU last week and after wards Bradley came back to Maupin and had hot tea with a few guys and I and talked about random things. In more recent news I got a Greek test coming up in a hurry as in its tomorrow! Wow... I know so much going on I'm just busy all the time with classes and homework and being actively involved in the community that is my dorm.. So I guess since I don't really have all that much to say I'm just gonna post a video. Actually its the video for Be My Escape by Relient K. Well again I love you guys and I'm just gonna ask you keep me in your prayers. One love.

I miss you...

So its been awhile since I updated this and I need to get back into doing it at least once a week. I did after all promise you the reader an update at least every week. Well lets talk about school so far. We've been here for two weeks now and so far things are going pretty good I guess. Greek is amazing, Demon isn't half bad aside from the boring readings, History of Christianity has been very informative, Metaphysics is great I'm learning a lot from it, and finally Biology isn't terrible I guess. Well so there's a little run down of classes. What else could I tell you. Well its a three day weekend. Classes won't be back in session til Tuesday morning which for me sucks because I have a 730 lab. So in other news I am just leisurely sitting around on the couch in my dorm room typing this up and listening to Rush. Well gosh I don't have much to say today. I've been kinda sick lately but I think I've kicked it now, anywho I'm gonna close up on this and post a video. One love.

Tonight...

Well technically since it is Friday I can say the big move is tomorrow. I will be back at school about three with any luck and I can get settled in before having dinner with my family. Anyways that is inconsequential to the point of this post and therefore that is the only mention it shall get unless I decide to talk about the move towards the end I have something far more important to share with you the reader.

So I recently joined this website Social Vibe at www.socialvibe.com I happen to like this website a good deal because it allows me the poor college student to help a cause without spending any of my own money. How it works is you pick a cause to support, then you pick a sponsor. You do random things like post on the forum, update your status, and log in daily to earn points each point you earn is worth money to the sponsors who donate to your cause. Well I tell you this to get to my story and the major point of this post. Today I was checking the forum on this website because I find that the forum section for the cause which I am involved has a lovely group of discussions constantly so I check it daily, get my 10 little points, and usually will find something that catches my eye and therefore I will post on it something that I believe that has to do with the topic. I found one that was a pretty simple question of where, if at all, in the Bible does it say to not be gay. Well we all know those passages in Leviticus and I noticed someone had already posted one and had gotten flamed by the forum troll who rarely has a nice thing to say especially if you are a Christian who uses the service. Well I responded back to the troll telling him that the passage he just claimed had nothing to do with homosexuality clearly does and explaining how. I also tacked on a couple more passages which basically covered the full extent of what the Bible clearly says about homosexuality. Well this must have pissed him off pretty good cause within hours I had a response from him talking about how I am just ignorant and blindly accept something I read in a book and that if in todays world someone claimed to hear a nonexistent being talking to them we call them a crazy and lock em up but those people get away because they put it in a book called the Bible and blah blah blah.

Time for a new paragraph :D. Furthermore this obviously bitter man proceeded to call me a "religious nutjob bigot douchebag" and inform me that I couldn't possibly as I had said support equal rights for the gay community, we'll come back to this so everyone reading knows why I believe they deserve equal rights, because I clearly support the murder of homosexuals. This is a bogus claim, the only possible way he could get that is if he misconstrued what I was saying and took it that I think we should kill them which is hard to believe because I was quoting something in my reply to him which contained that. Anyways so after I received his response I took a moment, took a few deep breaths, and then proceeded to write a response to this very rude man. I kept my cool, I clarified, again, that I do not think anyone should be killed, restated that I think the gays deserve equal rights, I put to rest his first amendment nonsense by stating what it clearly says back to him, and I apologized to him for whatever "Christian" has done him wrong and caused these ill feelings.

So there's something odd, apologizing for something you had no part in. Well I felt it was the right thing to do. Not all Christians are ignorant, pigheaded, if the right wing spouts it out it must be true kind of people. Some of us, like I would consider myself, are intelligent, think about our faith, and consider the consequences of just accepting something because its in a book or because the political right says so. Anyways so I apologized to him and told him I wouldn't continue responding on the thread because it would be a waste of both our time to argue when clearly neither of us is going to give in to the other ones beliefs. So I want to keep looking at the forgiveness aspect and then I have a few other little things to talk about and ask you the reader to do. First as Christians we are told to love our enemy. This man is my enemy, he hates what I am and yet he is the very person Christ told me to love, he is also the kind of person Christ told us we would encounter. Towards the end of his time with the disciples and his time on earth, Jesus promised the disciples they would experience trials and tribulations and that if the world hated him it would surely hate them. This is what he was talking about this man has never met me, probably never will meet me, and for no reason other than I choose to follow Christ hates me. I am awaiting his next response to me to see how he reacts to my apology to him. Ok so now that this is all covered I promised a few things to have you the reader do.

First I would like you to apologize to the next person you meet who is hostile towards Christians. This will likely be uncomfortable to do but you saying you're sorry, and meaning it, that some Christian has wronged them and painted a bad picture of Christ might change that persons perspective or it might get you slapped but I would urge you to endure on. Next I would ask that you pray for the man who I apologized to. I can't really tell you anything about him because honestly I don't know anything. What I can tell you is his username on the website is progressivecanuck, I would ask that you pray for him that he would see a new picture of Christ if not because of what I said because of something a Christian does for him someday. I don't really have anything else to say here other than I would like to thank you for reading and I hope you keep to reading as the story moves on and as the conversation becomes less and less about what happened to me and more and more about what you, I, and everyone around us can do for Christ. One love.

Enjoy the video its from one of my favorite bands.

Update yo!

Well in my last post I promised I would be picking Malachi apart well. Malachi has to wait I'm experiencing I guess what you would call a crisis of faith. It is occurring to me lately that I am pulling away from what once seemed my calling in life. Ministry. I found myself earlier thinking about how much I would love to drop out of college, move away, never do ministry again, and just live life.

I don't know exactly what to get out of these thought processes. Now I am most sure this isn't something from God cause these thoughts are very discouraging rather than an uplifting kind of thought. I think God could plant a seed in someone where they would not feel a calling to be a professional minister but it doesn't seem like a positive thing to give up the ministry its bad that I sense in the idea.

Ok I know I'm jumping around a lot in my thought here but please stay with me this won't be a long post. I promise. So I was just making some popcorn and I had a thought cross my mind. I think last semester at college God taught me something and it took me this long to figure it out. After this I'm done but I gotta share this. I think I learned to love more like God loves and less like people love on a conditional basis. As you the reader probably already know last semester I lived in a room with three other guys. Well lets be frank about this, when four guys get together in one small dorm room its easy to have times when you want to hate each other not love each other like Christ calls us to. Well I'll be the first to say it right now there were times I didn't want to love those three guys but I chose to anyways. I chose to swallow my pride and do things to make it work for us all. I would stay out of the tv room we had one night of the week so Chris could spend time with his girlfriend, I would do dishes I had no part in making a mess so the others could use clean dishes, I would cover my alarm up with a shirt so Davidson could sleep, and I would hang out in the hall or in someone else's room when Drew called his girlfriend at the time. Having considered these things I think that is the closest a person can get to loving like Christ loves. They weren't perfect, neither am I by any means, but I made sacrifices for them and they made sacrifices for me. That my friends is a Christ like love and knowing that I've learned to love others like that I have to get off here and take sometime to thank God for this cause I can move to a new level in my Christian life in loving people selflessly like that.

And the Lord said read Malachi

So I've got this crazy idea that God is speaking to me, in a less than traditional manner.. See since first semester last year I've had a lot of stuff from Malachi pushed in front of me. Bible studies, Sunday morning sermons, Sunday School lessons, class assignments, and now it is the topic of discussion at a college age retreat I will be on this weekend. So all that considered I think God is wanting me to dig through Malachi like a mad man and learn something. I must say as fed up as I've been getting with the Malachi stuff because of how much I've heard about it I just can't shake this feeling that I am supposed to invest a large amount of time in this short little book in the Bible. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to start going through the book, after my retreat, and I'm going to be picking the book apart step by step verse by verse and I'm going post my findings. Here's what I want you to do, I want you the reader to join me in study and prayer.

Anyways I'm going to keep this one short. I wanted to share this with everyone and just ask that you keep praying for me. I am looking forward to what God has for me to find as I travel through his word by studying Malachi. Also, until I finish this study especially once I have my old desk top up and running hopefully after this weekend.. I will try to update daily with my study and findings. I do hope that you the reader get something out of my time spent in the word picking apart what God has set before me for study. Well this is all for tonight. One love yo.

Ow you broke my freaking spleen......

Lets talk about hurts. I guess to start I should first kind of lay a parameter of what will encompass hurts in this discussion. Hurts will be anything that causes emotional distraught. Nothing physical will be encompassed in hurts for at least this part of the discussion should things change I'll gladly let you know.

So the title is just for fun this update and will have nothing to do with the discussion, just throwing that out early. So yesterday Saturday, July 25, 2009 I got the great pleasure of watching a good friend of mine get married. Yes boys and girls Davidson got married yesterday and fortunately I was able to make it. I must say it was quite a good time it was great to get to see all the Maupin Men who made it out for the wedding some of them possibly for the last time and some of them just a reminder of who I get to spend another year or two with when the time comes around to return to my home away from home. This also has little to do with this discussion but I promise to tie it in somehow, even if its a meager tie in.

So we're discussing hurts this is something constantly on my mind because, well this is how I seem to learn the most. By hurts. All of us have been hurt at some point, we don't all like to talk about those hurts and not just because its "unmanly" to share our feelings but because well not everyone is ok with sharing the skeletons in their closet. I am perfectly ok with it because God has taken care of those things and I believe I have to learn from them and that they can help someone else possibly but they can't help if I keep them bottled up so I spill the beans, however I digress and will attempt to keep on topic.

While at Davidson's wedding I saw a man who I know and love, quite like a brother especially after this last semester at school, declare his love for a woman, I saw him be tired, I saw him cry, and I saw great joy in him. One thing I didn't see was a hurt occurring this is probably because given the situation there was no room for hurt, two people came together in love to share this love with a community of friends and family and join together in marriage, so why did I hurt instead of sharing in the raw unadulterated joy Davidson and Amanda had yesterday? This is simple, because as I looked on the happy newly weds I couldn't help but think back to my own relationships which, obviously all of have failed. I remember my first kiss, yes I will make you read this and I'm not ashamed to share this. I was 15 years old and in all honesty the kiss meant very little to me, I was just happy to be making out with someone. Haha. So she was my first girlfriend, she wasn't much of one as she only dated me to try and get even with my good friend Phillip, nonetheless my first girlfriend and so I was pretty stoked I just got to make out with a girl the first time and suddenly I was in love with this girl. Well a couple weeks later I got dumped. I've never heard this from the mouth of the beast itself but there is plenty of reason to believe I got dumped because she wasn't making Phillip jealous by dating me, he and I talked about it before I would even date her and he said he didn't care. So being dumped by this girl after about a month of dating and being oh so in love with her I had one of my earliest hurts from a woman occur. In the big story book picture of my life this is most like stubbing my toe on some stairs or falling and scraping my knees. This hurt wasn't in the least bit life changing, well at least not alone.. So I kept talking to the girl for awhile beyond our relationship, this is one of the few that it ever happened with I'll cover this later, and she introduced me to another girl after a couple of months and set us up on a blind date for her birthday to go see a movie together with a group of their mutual friends. So I met Kelsey and we got along great. We started talking and a week or so after the movie we started to date. This is by far my best relationship I've ever had with a girl. So Kelsey and I dated for just shy of a year and after somewhere around month eleven I tried to kiss her one night, which at this point I think I understand why it wasn't something she wanted and I wish that at the time my raging 16 year old hormones would have cooled the jets a little and not made me feel rejected by this, because she didn't accept the attempt. So this was a pretty serious hurt in the works because only a short time later we would break up the first time. Well so we broke up and about a month later we started to date again but this time it only lasted about another month and the things I was into at that time tore us apart for good. As a side note the things I am talking about are that at the time I was getting very heavily into drinking and I had started smoking pot. I've given up the pot a long long time ago the drinking is controlled completely and I will only socially have a beer and that is rare as I don't see my friends, at least outside of SBU friends, often enough for us to just hang out and have a couple beers.

Well I need a paragraph break yo so deal. Well, so after Kelsey I dated two more girls very short term before I graduated from high school. Their names were Nicole and Sara. Nicole and I dated for a couple of weeks but she dumped me after she realized I wouldn't have sex with her. Then Sara we only dated for like 12 hours, we started dating in the morning and I went to see her that night with some friends and she made out with one of my friends and dumped me for him.. So that one really caused a hurt, Nicole not so much because well I would have broken up with her myself shortly after she got to me first if she hadn't well got to me first. With Sara though that was a huge hurt because it was the first of a few times I was cheated on by a girl. Well so at this point in life I moved away from home to Joplin, Missouri for about three months and lived with a buddy in an apartment, this was a bad idea but there was no hurt involved. While I was there I dated this girl Cathy for awhile, she wasn't the prettiest girl in the world but she had an amazing personality, I really liked dating her but at times I am glad we didn't work out.. I wouldn't consider myself shallow but for her the personality wasn't enough to keep me attracted to her because more than once I would be out and about with or without her and some other girl would catch my eye. I think there is much more to love and relationships than looks but if there is no physical attraction I also believe that the relationship is doomed. Well from here I took a slight break, by slight I mean something like a month, I got back got resettled in with my parents and I got to hanging out with old friends again. This lead me back to the hometown of several of my ex's where I would meet my next girlfriend, Meagan. Now Meagan was pretty cool. I do believe that we should have just been friends, and actually I never intended to date her I actually liked another girl from there and I wanted to date that girl but her older brother who might have been a shaved gorilla scared the hell out of me and so I never asked her and when Meagan asked me out I took the offer. Well time for another paragraph break.

So Meagan and I dated for a couple months we started dating mid-January and about a month later it was Valentines day and for the first time I do believe ever I had a girlfriend for Valentines day so we did the cutesy exchange of Valentines and stuff. I bought her this huge teddy bear and some candy. I must stop here for a second and warn my readers the blog will become a little explicit here because I will not skip on the details. Well so like I said I bought her this huge teddy bear and some candy, my gift was when we got to her house after picking her up from school, I had a couple friends who were dating girls from the same town and we all went down there well after we picked them up from school we all went to the girls houses and hung out well, when she and I got to her place and got dropped off my gift from her, we went into her room locked the door, got into her bed started to make out and Eric got a handjob and a home made card. Well needless to say this began a downward sexual spiral in our relationship. Within another month of this we had moved to have sex every weekend when I went to see her while her mom was gone. I'd come down with a box of condoms and leave with it empty. This, this is the biggest hurt I've ever had. When we started having sex outside of the bounds of marriage I gave a piece of myself to a girl who didn't care. My friend Matt Latall the second floor RA at Maupin has this sticker on his laptop that says Condoms Can't Protect From a Broken Heart. I can really register with that because when Meagan dumped me a month later life felt like an empty voided hell for me. I just couldn't understand why I had to go through that pain, why I had to suffer for doing something natural. Well so after we broke up Meagan tried to get into my good friend Andrew's, who I more commonly call Dew, pants. Being the good quality of a friend he is Dew wouldn't let her which caused her to come back to me crying to be taken back and I again made a stupid mistake and took her back.. Well this lasted like with Kelsey only about a month and I dumped her because I had met a new girl, Kylee. Kylee I believe is the most physically attractive girl I have dated yet. She was wow.. Anyways so since I had made the mistake of sleeping with Meagan which in the long run is what ruined the relationship I decided I wouldn't be making that mistake again and I would be keeping it in my pants til I get married. Well so Kylee and come out of a pretty shitty relationship only a few weeks before we started to date and so we dated for a couple of months things were moving along at a good pace after dating for a few weeks we kissed the first time and as a whole things seemed good then I got a bombshell dropped on me when she called me up to tell me I was being dumped for her asshole ex-boyfriend. Well this is now the second or third time I've been cheated on because I later found out they had been seeing each other for a few days before I got dumped for him.. Well so I suffered another kind big hurt at this point. Well when I broke up with Kylee it was June, 2006. Yes most all of my girlfriends were in a short period of time which might be why things were so bad, but nonetheless in June of 2006 I dated the last time. After breaking up with Kylee I decided to take some time and sort some things out in my life and so I've ultimately taken 3 years now and well lets face it I've got stuff sorted out, or so I believe but there's been no girl since. This is bringing things back to the wedding now. Like I said at the wedding I felt hurts instead of joy for my brother who got married.

I felt hurt because, yes you probably guessed it, I feel unloved or at least unlovable. Since the last girlfriend I have tried to date a couple of girls and faced nothing but rejection after rejection and when I saw those two at the wedding confess their love and become one I died a little inside because all I could remember was throwing away so much of myself with girls who for the most part cared nothing for me really. Now for the part where I give this deep spiritual truth and this one should be seen coming. Jesus cares for us. In fact he ask us to cast our cares upon him.

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1 Peter 5:7 (New Living Translation)

7 Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.
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So I've been drawing the conclusion for a long time that these hurts don't have to bother me. Yes, I don't have to forget they happened but I have no reason to suffer from them anymore because I have cast the worries and cares to God. I've come to a new view on my relationship status. Yes we know where it says it is better to not marry and for reference here are a couple verses.

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It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. -- 1 Corinthians 7:1-2

For I would that all men were even as I myself.... I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. -- 1 Corinthians 7:7-9
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So like I mentioned my views on my relationship status have changed a little. In light of those verses and personal experience I know that I could go the rest of my life without sex. Do I want to get married and have children? Very very much so it is something I hope to someday do but I realize I could go without the sex. I also have come to realize God is calling me to an exceptional life. A life that is lived like a barbarian of faith, those who have read the book The Barbarian Way will understand this, one like Abraham where I am called to go. God will tell me where to stop but as for me, and I've written this before, I cannot settle to give less than 100% sadly people do not understand this and I am something of an outcast and I've already found its to extreme for a lot of people because I've been told I wouldn't be welcomed into their house for even a short stay because of my life choice. These people are like the people Christ talked about to the disciples when he said not everyone would welcome them in his name. I won't name anyone because its no one else's business who they are but again I have to ask for prayer about this because when the time comes and I go I go with just God and the trust that he will provide for me as I need as I give 100% of my everything over to Him and His service.

Well I've rambled on for a long time here and in the long run I just want to say hurts happen. When we become a Christian we are called to cast our worries and cares upon the Father who promises that if he takes care of flowers and birds that he will take care of us so much more. So thanks again for reading and letting me share these things with you. One love.

p.s. The picture doesn't have anything to do with this post really. I just think its cool and I want you to see it and be able to think of how God has painted so many beautiful things for us that can bring us joy even in trial and suffering. Praise God even when you face the darkest dark you think you can handle because like in the poem footsteps it is then that He carries you.

I need a hug.......

So like the title says I need a hug. For no apparent reason today has just downright sucked. Nothing overly bad happened, no one died, I slept in a warm bed last night, and even though I only had one meal today which I actually just ate I had the option to eat three meals. From the outside there's just no conceivable reason for me to be depressed. I can even tell you that on the inside I'm finding little reason to be depressed. In fact I'll let you in on a secret, even though I have a chemical imbalance which causes the depression I think I use it as an excuse.

So this Saturday is going to be pretty exciting Davidson get's married and I get to be there so I hope to have a good time. James will be here on Friday to hang out for the night then we are going to the wedding and then he will be going home after he drops me off back at home. Well so that's what's ahead this week. Since my last post I've come home but I've hardly done a thing. I've been listening to Bradley Hathaway tonight and one of his poems, Another One of Those Nights, stood out to me tonight like it has a few other times and so in closing I'm going to post the I guess they would be considered lyrics.

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So weary!
And leary…
And dreary…
Stop this mind from racing all the time
Restful peace, come hither, be mine
It was here earlier, but now it’s long gone and out of sight!
On this restless, sleepless, clogged up left nostril night
I remember sleep
And what a comfort it was
But now all it does is leave me lacking
Because even there these thoughts just won’t stop yacking
So I, I hit the floor and on bruised knees start banging down your door.
Can’t take this anymore
Holy Spirit manifest your being
Comfort this soul,
So that I can start singing of that peaceful feeling that any minute now you’ll be bringing
Grace grows in winter I am told
But that’s not what I want to hear right now, truth be known
It’s you Father that I desire
So put out this unholy fire
And set ablaze me anew
With a peace that comes only from you
Where else can I turn and what else may I do?
Here I am…
Yours!
Here I am…
Yours!
Here I am…
Yours!

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One love yo.

Untitled

So I've been staying at my grandparents now since Thursday, July 9. They picked up early that afternoon and took me out to their house where I've been more less continuously since that night. I came home tonight after I went and saw a movie with my good friend Jeff. I decided to update a little because I have the chance and because I've been having trouble sleeping lately so I thought maybe if I take my mind off of things with this for a little bit and just share a little something something I could maybe get to sleep and such.. So here goes.

On Friday night me and Jeff camped out. We were supposed to camp out again last night but his grandparents called him to say his brothers car had broken down which was in fact a lie they were using to lure him into an intervention because they have this idea that he has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Assuredly he does not. Anyways so we didn't camp because of that and then today it rained all freaking day so we're going to try and camp out one more night tomorrow here's to the hope that it works... So I had an interesting revelation while I was camping Friday night.. I have a ridiculous fear of ticks for someone who loves the outdoors. To overcome this I found that by relying on God's power and asking for it through prayer was more than enough to calm me and take me back to a place where I was not afraid of a tick. Further yet, that was an amazing moment for me.. I had all but given up hope at that point for God to even be listening to me, let alone be willing to give me some comfort and BAM right when I needed Him, God pulls through for me.

Today however at church we had communion which as we all know is that special time of the quarter where we get a nice little cracker and a little cup of grape juice and we pretend its the flesh of Christ and the blood of Christ and we partake of them ritualistically. All joking aside this is a very serious matter.. The pastor we have that is leading our church through the recovery time as it becomes "healthy" again explained the Lord's supper in a way that no pastor has ever put it for me... We aren't you know just observing the meal Christ had with the disciples.. We are literally celebrating His death. That really put things in a different perspective for me.. He then proceeded to state something rather obvious... If we were to live out our lives in the mood I guess it is that we get in when we understand what we are celebrating with it, we would live in a very depressed state. Well as we all know we should not partake of the Lord's supper if we are not in good standing because as Paul advises those who partake of it when not right with God are eating and drinking damnation. Well anyways this prompted me to spend a goo 15 minutes in prayer before I took what was handed to me to take.

That about brings us up to speed as to what I've achieved in the last couple of days... I do want to talk a little about my camping Friday night.. Like I said Jeff and I were camping and so while we sat around the fire talking and enjoying the night we got to talking about various things which somehow brought up some theological discussion and I think for the first time pretty much at all since school I had church. I mean yes I get up and go every Sunday morning but in the long run I end up just sitting there listening to someone talk for 45 minutes. However, on Friday night it was a time of real fellowship which I believe is what church is supposed to be. The gathering together of believers isn't so we can listen to a man talk for 45 minutes and sing a few of our little songs, its a time for us to get together talk, enjoy each others company, recharge, and worship God which Jeff and I did that night. Well I'm running out of stuff to actually say here and I will again ask for prayer things may have started to look up a little but I'm far from in the clear. One love.

Undignified

This maybe long or it maybe short I don't know yet.. I'm in a midway state where I don't know how much longer I will be awake I just finished up a pot of coffee like an hour ago but I'm not really all that awake right now still so hopefully bed comes soon. Anyways. Thursday afternoon I will be going to my grandparents house for the next 10 days til July 20 at which point I will return to civilization so there may not be another update til then. Just wanted to let everyone know in case you wonder where I disappear to.

Ok so next thought on the agenda. I've been thinking a little tonight and I'm going to share a few thoughts. For one I got to thinking why do I feel like I'm missing something when I am single? Truly I shouldn't when I am single I have a chance to dedicate all of my time, when not at school, to God and I should but I don't. I seem to spend a lot of that time on facebook, youtube, online games, msn, and thinking I'm missing something because I'm single.

Another thought I've had tonight is I'm about to spend 11 days out in the country. I can turn off all the electronics and spend that time alone. Alone with just myself and God. That would be a hell of a growing time if I would let it be but lets face it I probably won't. I'm going to get out there and instead of spending time with God in the nature He created I'm going to end up watching tv, eating, sleeping, and basically doing everything I do at home minus the internet for about 2 weeks. Sad.

Yet another thought deals with the title of the blog post. Undignified which I do believe all of my readers will realize is a song title. If not shame on you. "I will dance I will sing to be mad for my King nothing lord is hindering this passion in my soul I will become even more undignified than this..." I've been listening to this song most all night tonight and thinking bout doubts. I know doubts are a tool of Satan, an attempt to drag us down and destroy us. I know everyone faces doubts along the way but these are starting to kill me. There's just no relief and they are making me feel burdened and causing me to sin excessively... I think being transparent with people is the best option so I'm going to share with you what is happening and just ask that you pray for me like mad men.

Like so many guys our age I struggle with an addiction to pornography and masturbation. I've been pretty open about this with people and it's common knowledge among friends that I've struggled for a long time with this and want it to go away but it is my burden to bare and so I do hoping that it will someday serve a purpose. Well I've really just blown it lately a lot. That is adding to my doubts.. So about these doubts then I guess.. People always talk about how when you know Christ there is a change in your life. Well I got to be honest I don't know if I've ever experienced this huge change people talk about.. If anything I think I became worse after I became a "Christian". Before sure I looked at porn and stuff and would cuss but compared to the after it was minor. Now it seems like I can't go a day without looking at porn and beating off and unless I kind of think about what I'm going to say before I say it I about can't go long without cussing. This brings a HUGE doubt into my head that I even really repented but I know what happened that night when I was 15. I don't know what to do.. I feel like I'm living a sham of a life lying to people about everything.. I need advice but I don't know who I can turn to and the people I do feel like I can aren't local people and so what do I do.. email them?

I guess what its coming down to is I really need prayer about these doubts and for me to be able to live the life Christ has called me to. I post these blogs and I try at least to inspire the readers to live a Christ centered life, focusing on love but yet I struggle to even pray or read my bible. So if you will, please pray for me every time I cross your mind for the next several weeks through July the 20th. Pray for guidance and something to change.. This is a real Samson kind of thing. I need my brothers in Christ more than ever right now. Well I don't have much else to say so I'm going to shut up and lay down and think and pray about things.. To close this up I'm going to post a video. One love.

Some late night randomness...

So this post probably won't amount to a lot and that's fine. I'm sure later in the week I will have something deep and such to post but tonight I just want to throw some thoughts out there. I've been reading over the past couple days the book Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller and this whole time it has been reminding me of me. As I was turning the pages the more I read the more I saw me coming out in the experiences Don and Paul faced traveling from Texas to Oregon, and then a little ways into Washington and back to Oregon.. The whole book just amazed me and at times moved me to damn near tears. Anyways so like I said the book travels the two friends on a road trip to the northwest and the experiences they have along the way and a HUGE theme in the book is asking the why questions in life instead of the how questions and that is something I have begun to strive to do. I can't live life anymore asking stuff like, how do I get the girl of my dreams? or how do I know if I've found the right job? Now I have to ask stuff like, why am I here? or why did God give us free will to ruin his great creation and then still command the mountains to keep quiet so our rare and faint praise can be heard? I realized while reading the book that I don't have, much like Don figured out on his trip, people all figured out, let alone God.

I think many times when Don talks about how we don't need all the noise of the radio and that we come truly alive when we are away from the commercialization of life, that he has hit the nail on the head. Lets look at this thought for a second God didn't create man to long for cars, money, and houses. God made us to exist for His greatness. We were made to exalt God and it was only after the fall that we looked to other things for fullness. I have a quote from the book I would like to close this with. I think it sums up well how I've been feeling for awhile, especially these past couple days as I've read this story.

"I was raised to believe that the quality of a man's life would greatly increase, not with the gain of status or success, not by his heart's knowing romance or by prosperity in industry or academia, but by his nearness to God. It confuses me that Christian living is not simpler. The gospel, the very good news, is simple, but this is the gate, the trailhead. Ironing out faithless creases is toilsome labor. God bestows three blessings on man: to feed him like birds, dress him like flowers, and befriend him as a confidant. Too many take the first two and neglect the last. Sooner or later you figure out life is constructed specifically and brilliantly to squeeze a man into association with the Owner of heaven. It is a struggle, with labor pains and thorny landscape, bloody hands and a sweaty brow, head in hands, moments of severe loneliness and questioning, moments of ache and desire. All the leads to God, I think. Perhaps this is what is on the other side of the commercials, on the other side of the curtain behind which the Wizard of Oz pulls his levers. Matter and thought are a canvas on which God paints, a painting with tragedy and delivery, with sin and redemption. Life is a dance toward God, I begin to think. And the dance is not so graceful as we might want. While we glide and swing our practiced sway, God crowds our feet, bumps or toes, and scuffs our shoes. So we learn to dance with the One who made us. And it is a difficult dance to learn, because its steps are foreign.

I begin to think of me time at the canyon in these terms, as learning to dance in a new way, the first few lessons had me feeling clunky and awkward, but soon they will give way to a kind of graceful sway, and I won't stop at gift shops or hunt for a television, but like Paul I will be able to stand over a pot of boiling beans for hours and feel completely content, as though there was nothing in life that I was missing out on. It gives me a little joy to think about things this way, and I smile at a couple as they pass me along the guardrail, and I pull a bit of pine needle off a tree and roll it in my palms and smell the mintlike scent of creation as I let the green shards spill from my palms to the path along the rim. And I think to myself, There is nothing I am missing. I have everything I was supposed to have to experience the magnitude of this story, to dance with God." - Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts.

Thank you for bearing with me through that long quote from the book. I hope you are all blessed and challenged by Don's thoughts and I will be praying and listening for the next message God has for me to share with you all. One love.

Setting a Standard

Ok so like the title says I'm setting a standard. I have had this blog now for oh probably like almost seven months now and I've done very little posting since I got it. I've decided as a promise to you the reader, my adoring fans, I will post at least one message a week for you all. God has laid many things on my heart since I started this blog and the more He talks to me and I don't share what He tells me to share the more disobedient I am. So like I said I'm gonna set a standard and I'm going to hold to this promise to weekly update this with what's going on and if God gives me more than one message to share a week then I will update as much as needed so please check every few days to make sure theres nothing new and if I don't update call me on it.

I guess now I'm gonna give some little theological thought on setting of standards before I bugger off to spend time with the family after I grab a shower.. So here it is. The bible clearly tells us more than once that we are called to live life on a higher standard as Christian's than the average Joe yet it seems that more times than not I find myself living like the world because well let's face it if we are honest that is many times the most fun things to do. Its not fun to be the kid who is reserving sex til he is married or to be the one person at a party who isn't slamming down drinks because you don't believe getting drunk is ok in God's eyes. So heres where the standards come in. God gives us a standard, we can't reach it on our own, so what did He do? He took care of it for us. We can't live up to perfection but Christ can and so God sent Christ to bridge the gap for us, where we can't be perfect Christ is perfect for us. Now like Paul says this is no license to go about life living in sin because you're covered in the end, no this is a license to live a life full, and fun, and above the cut of the people who are spending their weekends in sin while we hold back and find something else fun to do. There isn't much I have to say about this I really only added this section because the blog was short and it keeps in the trend of what is typical of my post.

Well in closing I'm going to tack on a video here of an acoustic version of Thrice's song Come All You Weary. Also going to restate my promise to you the reader, I will make sure there is at least a weekly update to this blog even if it is just me telling you how my week went, if God shares something with me to give to others then I will add that as well but you will be seeing more action from the Revolution.

coup d’état

Its been a long time since I posted on here.. To long... Well what can I say a blog isn't the most important thing in the world to me at any given moment. So I don't know what to put here I mean I could tell everyone all the things I've done for the last couple of months since I posted something or I could tell nothing. For now I believe I will give a little bit of information just for the fun of it.

I was supposed to be in Jamaica right now with my good friend and travel companion Jeff Calaway however the Navy is being the Navy and they won't sign his release and give him leave so we can't take off til that finally gets sorted out... Lets see other than that I'm dealing with the very stressful situation of having an 80 some year old woman who is a, and in the bad sense, religious fanatic. I say in the bad sense because I believe there can be a good "religious" fanatic if by religious fanatic you mean a Jesus Freak, I truly don't believe this to be the case for her though.. Nothing I do lives up to her health and wealth, feel good, televangelist messages. I could be going to India tomorrow to save 1000 lives if I could raise 150$ more and I wouldn't see a penny from her. I digress though because this isn't meant to bash my grandmother. Its tough though because now when I'm home its not enough to just keep the parents happy I now have to keep her happy which is impossible if she decides its impossible. So I've covered the trip and home life.. I guess its time to talk about the end of last semester and the coming semester and I guess college stuff in general... Well last semester came to a kinda rough close... I passed all my classes which is really good news for me cause I wasn't sure about one of them and in another, with it being my first upper level, I was stressing hardcore about anyways, other than classes it was a little rough cause I was having some problems with a two of my three room mates, the one moving off campus and one of the two who was graduating. Now don't get me wrong I love both of them to death and would do most anything for them but it was like 900 degrees inside and outside of the dorm, I was trying to get my stuff packed for moving around three other people, and in a situation like that tempers flair a little, good, bad, wrong, and ugly. We got through it though and even though two of them graduated I will forever know them as close friends and room mates. Plus to top all things college off there was the wonderful, "Maupin is getting AC" news that seemed to split the dorm. Half of the people are stoked for AC thinking it will be great and the other half is morally opposed to the AC. I find myself on the latter, since then we've pretty much started being raped by the AC beast which is being installed now, and then Nate dropped the bomb and resigned. Sure we all knew it was coming sooner or later, most hoped for later, but it came sooner and now he will be gone with his family long before we see the doors of Maupin Hall again. So I think this is enough of the "catching" up stuff lets talk about the title and bring this thing to an end for the night.

I am staging a coup d’état. Yes I know those are usually violent with lots of guns and people dying and all that stuff. Well this coup d’état won't have a single gun, there will most likely not be any deaths, the inevitable not included, and surely there won't be violence, well not from this end. So then we ask how can one have a coup d’état without the guns and violence. Its a coup d’état of love. I've talked about love several times in the handful of post I've completed and since if you are reading this you likely know me, then you must know how I feel about love. It is a very dangerous weapon, it can be you're most powerful ally from God or it can be a mighty enemy used by God to tear down strongholds. Well on to the point my headache isn't getting better by blogging.. I'm staging a coup d’état. We will tear down the establishments of this fleshly world and we will do them by love. 1 Corinthians 13:3 says, "If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." Lets face it we could be militant about this and we could rise up against the man, there's that anarchist coming out in me, but if we don't change the system by love we won't gain anything. So I invite you to join me in staging the coup, the only casualties I forsee is the foolish pride of "patriots" who have so much stock in a flag that they turn a blind eye to the evil's commited under its watchful eye in the name of "liberty and justice for all." So come with me friends I'm staging a coup d’état.


Time for a little disclaimer.. This post isn't a troop bash, it is far from meant to be that. In fact I believe now more than ever I support the troops, I do not and never ever ever will support war, especially this "war" we are in now, but I support the young people who are giving up their lives in my stead while I plot my little plots to save the world with God's grace and love by bringing justice to people who desire it. What this post is, is me stating my desire to overthrow the evil government we are under now and show the people of this land that just because we are told in the bible to respect the established government over us we are also not under it, we are under the rule of the only king we should ever serve and here it is a kinda cheap plug for Shane Claiborne, Jesus is my president Mr. Obama might preside over the country which I am taking temporary residence but I am a pilgrim from another land, Hebrews 11:13, and I will return there someday. Thank you for reading. One love.

Count down...

So times running down on this semester. I have only a little bit left to do for classes and soon as those come to a close I will be able to say goodbye to my sophomore year of college and move on to my junior year. Just for my own sake here's a run down of what I have left to do in classes. In Human Diversity I have just a few more class meetings and then my final, in Fit and Well I have to turn in my journal and do my final, in Spiritual Form I take my last test tomorrow and then I will be done with that class and continuing to go is optional. As for my Tuesday and Thursday classes go I have only one more exam in Life Economics and in Problem With Evil I have to do a presentation on Tuesday and then on the Monday of finals week I have a paper due for class which will bring it to a close.

During finals week I only have two finals. Human Diversity and Life Economics. I am so stoked to be out of here only three weeks left and then its three months of relaxation and focusing solely on not college stuff. This summer I'll be spending eleven days in Jamaica with my good friend Jeff. We're going to be there from June the 20th to July 1st. I can foresee it being a really fun time. I don't really know what to put here.. I guess I can talk about my day a little. Today after Problem, Joel and I had a long talk about somethings that are just bothering me to no end and after we had talked for awhile those things seemed to have been worked out a little and life stopped seeming so utterly pointless and I stopped feeling like God was such an asshole. I feel I should explain this a little... See Problem With Evil is an upper level philosophy class which discusses the philosophical problem with evil. The problem is the class is leading me to see God as some asshole who just allows bad things to happen because he is obviously not powerful enough or caring enough to stop it. Here is where I am running into the wall with this.. God at least the God of the Bible and the God I believe in is a loving God who does not allow us to endure any form of evil which could harm us. Therefore this problem with "Horrendous evils" which are evils that are ruinous to our lives cannot be true. I am a man of philosophy but foremost I am a man of God which leaves me trying to reconcile my Christian beliefs with a belief in what philosophy tells me. I think here I should just be like I am a Christian what the Bible tells me is more important than what philosophy tells me but I believe that there can be some justification to be found in the philosophical side of things.

So here's where I am drawing my conclusion. When there is a contradiction between my Christian beliefs and those I find in philosophy I will simply side with my Christian beliefs on the basis of faith. When I look at problems such as can God exist with evil I have to say only out of a necessity. If God could do otherwise I believe he would however, God allows us to commit evil because he see's our free will as more important than having a perfect world. This is because he loves us so much that allowing us to make a poor decision makes him happier than us making the right decision at all times and being like robots. Anyways as I previously said I will accept stuff on the basis of faith for myself in comparison to over thinking everything and causing myself to have such awful thoughts such as "God is an asshole". That is an irrational belief for me to hold. For a simple reason of God has done so much for me that if he were an asshole he wouldn't have done. For example primarily saving me from myself, or the time that he chose not to take my dad from me. I'm just trying to figure out why it is that something as petty as that class could make me think such a thing about God. Anyways I've rambled for a long time to get to the point of saying that all I am looking for is for me to stop putting so much stock in philosophy when God is the important thing. So here it goes for everyone who may or may not check this God is more important than philosophy and in all circumstances we should side with him because when our gut leads us there we can't deny that it is pointing us to the most important being to exist God. I will only look to philosophy to help me understand and defend my faith and beliefs but not to give them to me. The Bible explains the important things and I will let it lead me where I go.

Well I've rambled on long enough now. Peace out.

Burned out...

Do you ever get burned out? Not just you know tired of whats going on but so just worn out can't carry on tired that continuing on means finding something new to get you through the days and nights til things finally change. Welcome to my world. As I am writing this I am in dire need of change. I'm so burnt out on college that I'm starting to skip my classes because it is something new and different. I don't really have a lot to say here tonight I was just thinking bout the ole blog and decided I should put something up in case someone is reading this. I'm going to get to moving soon and do something different again gonna walk over to Isaac's and hang out for a little then come over and crash out instead of reading for one of my classes like I really need to... I guess I'm done because this has now become old..

Update!

So its been a pretty decent amount of time since I posted on here. I've been busy so sue me. Well where to start.. Its like week 4 or 5 I don't really know anymore of college.. Thing's are going as smooth as I guess I can expect.. I have at least one large paper coming up due in my problem of evil class, plus other papers and such.. I shaved my head last night. That was fun.

So I have this slight problem. I have for a long time not been a fan of college.. I've kind of never wanted to go personally, I think if God wants me to preach or something it'll happen with or without the degree. Now I am coming to a new conclusion. I had started to like college which is good, but now that I've gotten over the fact that I hate being here, I am finding a new reason to leave. I feel as if I get judged with every glance people give me. Yet I feel like I also am going to get it anywhere I am.

Well its amazing I don't really have anything to say.. I wish I did. I guess for the one person reading this, assuming he is still checking it, just keep me in prayer for some kind of guidance. Also an unmentioned, lets face it God knows what it is and that whats important. One love yo.

Week one down...

So now that week one of college is dead and gone I guess I should post a small update about how its going and my thoughts on this semester so far. Not so oddly for those who have gotten to know me but I can summarize the semester thus far in 1 word. Suck. There is nothing I dread more than SBU. I cannot wait to be gone from this place forever. Like so many times I was talking to James earlier and school came up. This time he brought it up by telling me he is looking at changing to yet another school. He showed me the online brochure and after I looked over it I asked him to let me know how things look after he gets some more information on the school. Well anyways so thats the spill on that. If its good enough news and depending on cost and all that I could very well finally get the heck out of Dodge.

Well anyways so. Week one is over and it sucks so far. I have two classes I can remotely enjoy and everything else is just annoying me and making me wonder why I haven't just dropped out and said screw it to my parents about this college crap. Like right now instead of writing this blog I should be trying to read 2 chapters from a book for a class I have tomorrow night. I probably won't get that done. I've come to the realization that I am also incapable of caring about the fact that I will ultimately fail the class if I don't do the readings and such.. I guess thats the thing about being unhappy. You give up caring, or perhaps its that you care in a different way. Well anyways since I'm sure your asking yourself what classes do you care about.. the answer is my philosophy class, the problem of evil, and my spiritual form class. Everything else about this semester blows.

So here's where I guess you could say things get interesting. I cannot motivate myself to do something I hate, i.e. reading for some gay class that doesn't matter to my future. Before anyone gives me some crappy speech about oh history will matter in your future, tell me how often does it matter in the real world if you can name the presidents? If someone can come up with a scenario when I will ever need to know that history crap, or how to design a work out plan I won't follow anyways are going to matter to me, the religion major, I will gladly change my perspective. As you can clearly see I have some issue with either authority or at least with the current system set up to deam what is important for college students to know in the "real" world. There is no deeper meaning behind any of this. Honestly I just needed to ramble a little and let some steam off.. and I figured why not use my blog. I hadn't posted in awhile and really I should let everyone know how I feel about school after 1 week.

I've got beef.

Well, so I was awake til well after 4 am this morning. I was up til 3 talking to Sarah about just almost everything.. I guess I'll give some background to this... I started somewhere around 11pm I made some coffee cause I was tired and I ended up drinking all 6 cups worth I made so that was a terrible idea it kept me up most of the night and I ended up feeling pretty sick to my stomach... Well anyways so the whole thing started because I was asking Sarah and another girl for advice on women.. Let's face it after having been single for nearly 3 years now since my last girlfriend I am more than ready to find a new one but I've had less than good picks so far so I was asking for advice in finding a good one and then keeping her... So we got to talking and somewhere around I guess 1 or 1:30 I moved from wanting to know about womenfolk to opening up about some things and here is where we come in.

Sarah and I at this point started talking about certain religious views in particular mine. So I've been called crazy, and weird, and different, among many different things by people. Some of those people claiming to be Christians. Well so I said something about how as much as I want to give everything to God I also want to be accepted by people. That's human nature we are social beings after all. Well so this lead into kind of a break through. That is serving two masters and Jesus told us we can't serve two masters. So I decided well then I have to give up one or the other and follow the one I keep wholeheartedly. So I decided to think about it a little, and I did think while I laid in bed for I don't even know how long til I finally fell asleep. Well after awhile I made my choice. I'm pretty sure I was able to make the right choice and it's seeming pretty sweet right now.. Well anyways now that we're up to speed.

I got to thinking this is true of so many Christian's. In my last post I challenged everyone to give up subscribing to this religion known as Christianity and to become the church. Its time to set yourself apart. There are some people who will read this and be offended and think of me as crazy, some will read it and not be offended but will just not change, and then some will read it and want to make a change. God has called me and it seems at least a few others in this generation to have faith that rivals that of men and women of the bible, men like Joseph the father of Jesus, Peter, Paul, and John the Baptizer. Women like Ruth, the Mary's, and the numerous women of the early church. These are all people who gave everything to God. I was posed with something last night something crazy and extreme. I can't follow Jesus and not give 100% of everything. I cannot settle for 10% its all or nothing. I cannot eat until every believer can eat, I cannot enjoy the many comforts that are available to me in this country when so many of God's children are going without. When I get a job it won't be enough to give 10% of my pay to God, nor is anything short of 100%... This is going to be really really tough but lets face it, Jesus never said it would be easy. He promised us persecutions and hard times. The invitation isn't enjoy yourself and come to church on Sunday and give to me a little out of your abundance. The invitation is come, deny yourself, pick up your cross and follow. The original followers of Jesus weren't making people happy quite the opposite. People were mad, real mad. Mad enough that many of them were murdered. So when Jesus says that the world will hate us because we aren't of her, can we then call ourselves Christian's if the world still loves us? I see no way that it could be possible because if the world still loves us it is because we are still serving it and if we are serving the world then we must hate God because no man can love both master's he must love the one and despise the other.

So long story short lets give up trying to make people happy. The people who will love us when we follow God's plan will be the ones who are also running the good race. Some "Christians" are going to despise you for this and some are going to embrace you. The ones who despise you are despising Jesus, they are turning him away cold, hungry, thirsty, and naked. The ones who embrace you are embracing Christ, they are giving him shelter, food, drink, and clothing. These will be blessed in the next age and in this age. Our children will remember them and their greatness will be spoken and they will be remembered for it. I pray that I make some people mad with this. I also pray that I encourage a couple of people with this and that they would embrace this and begin living as an extremist, an extremist for love.

Randomness on a late night...

So its late Wednesday night. I am due back at school on Sunday and I am so unmotivated to go back. I am a little excited for one of my classes but as a whole not at all. I got my hair cut yesterday I made a change in celebration of the new president, Mr. Barack Obama. I am excited to see what he brings to the table in America. I am hoping he does good for us, God knows our country needs something good to happen. Lately I have been just angry as can be with America for that matter. Here's the deal. America is one of the most influencial countries in the world and the influece we are giving off is bad, it is raw unadultrated evil. We are leading the world into a dark time. To make matters worse most Christian's have no interest seemingly in making it better. Last night a friend from school posted a note on facebook which just it made me so mad... She was complaining because apparently 67% of A merican's are unsatisfied with how the country has been going for the last several years. She complained that we should be much more grateful, because we live in the greatest country in the world, and we have so many great things. I have a HUGE issue with that. We only have these things because we enslave people in enpoverished nations and force them to work long days in sweatshops for little pay. We would never subject our own countrymen to that and yet we make some poor child in Pakistan do such a thing. Where is the love? We as Christian's should be very upset with this. We should be yearning to see these people set free from this slavery America has put them into.

My heart also broke yesterday when the new president, whom I have grown to like over the last couple months since he was elected, spent so much money on petty parties that had the money been spent in a more appropriate manner 375,000 starving children could have been fed for a year. This devistates my opinion of America more because since again we are one of the most powerful countries in the world we could help to end world hunger if we just led other richer nations in giving to the hungry. What our nation needs is God. For everyone who wants to say God bless America or that we are a "Christian" nation, I challenge you to first consider what our nation is trying to do to God. They want to remove him from our money, from the pledge, and they have already removed him for government buildings. We are not a Christian nation. For whatever small fan base I may manage to get by telling people about this. I pray that God would move on your hearts and show you an alternative to the Christian religion. Do not conform to a religion but rather be transformed. Be transformed by the love God offers you. Become the change, become like the early Christians, lets become the Way. One last thing, I ask for prayer over something that has been laid on my heart, prayer that God will lead me through the stages of doing the very thing He has inspired me to do. If you want to know a little more about this ask me and I am more than happy to fill you in.