Ow you broke my freaking spleen......

Lets talk about hurts. I guess to start I should first kind of lay a parameter of what will encompass hurts in this discussion. Hurts will be anything that causes emotional distraught. Nothing physical will be encompassed in hurts for at least this part of the discussion should things change I'll gladly let you know.

So the title is just for fun this update and will have nothing to do with the discussion, just throwing that out early. So yesterday Saturday, July 25, 2009 I got the great pleasure of watching a good friend of mine get married. Yes boys and girls Davidson got married yesterday and fortunately I was able to make it. I must say it was quite a good time it was great to get to see all the Maupin Men who made it out for the wedding some of them possibly for the last time and some of them just a reminder of who I get to spend another year or two with when the time comes around to return to my home away from home. This also has little to do with this discussion but I promise to tie it in somehow, even if its a meager tie in.

So we're discussing hurts this is something constantly on my mind because, well this is how I seem to learn the most. By hurts. All of us have been hurt at some point, we don't all like to talk about those hurts and not just because its "unmanly" to share our feelings but because well not everyone is ok with sharing the skeletons in their closet. I am perfectly ok with it because God has taken care of those things and I believe I have to learn from them and that they can help someone else possibly but they can't help if I keep them bottled up so I spill the beans, however I digress and will attempt to keep on topic.

While at Davidson's wedding I saw a man who I know and love, quite like a brother especially after this last semester at school, declare his love for a woman, I saw him be tired, I saw him cry, and I saw great joy in him. One thing I didn't see was a hurt occurring this is probably because given the situation there was no room for hurt, two people came together in love to share this love with a community of friends and family and join together in marriage, so why did I hurt instead of sharing in the raw unadulterated joy Davidson and Amanda had yesterday? This is simple, because as I looked on the happy newly weds I couldn't help but think back to my own relationships which, obviously all of have failed. I remember my first kiss, yes I will make you read this and I'm not ashamed to share this. I was 15 years old and in all honesty the kiss meant very little to me, I was just happy to be making out with someone. Haha. So she was my first girlfriend, she wasn't much of one as she only dated me to try and get even with my good friend Phillip, nonetheless my first girlfriend and so I was pretty stoked I just got to make out with a girl the first time and suddenly I was in love with this girl. Well a couple weeks later I got dumped. I've never heard this from the mouth of the beast itself but there is plenty of reason to believe I got dumped because she wasn't making Phillip jealous by dating me, he and I talked about it before I would even date her and he said he didn't care. So being dumped by this girl after about a month of dating and being oh so in love with her I had one of my earliest hurts from a woman occur. In the big story book picture of my life this is most like stubbing my toe on some stairs or falling and scraping my knees. This hurt wasn't in the least bit life changing, well at least not alone.. So I kept talking to the girl for awhile beyond our relationship, this is one of the few that it ever happened with I'll cover this later, and she introduced me to another girl after a couple of months and set us up on a blind date for her birthday to go see a movie together with a group of their mutual friends. So I met Kelsey and we got along great. We started talking and a week or so after the movie we started to date. This is by far my best relationship I've ever had with a girl. So Kelsey and I dated for just shy of a year and after somewhere around month eleven I tried to kiss her one night, which at this point I think I understand why it wasn't something she wanted and I wish that at the time my raging 16 year old hormones would have cooled the jets a little and not made me feel rejected by this, because she didn't accept the attempt. So this was a pretty serious hurt in the works because only a short time later we would break up the first time. Well so we broke up and about a month later we started to date again but this time it only lasted about another month and the things I was into at that time tore us apart for good. As a side note the things I am talking about are that at the time I was getting very heavily into drinking and I had started smoking pot. I've given up the pot a long long time ago the drinking is controlled completely and I will only socially have a beer and that is rare as I don't see my friends, at least outside of SBU friends, often enough for us to just hang out and have a couple beers.

Well I need a paragraph break yo so deal. Well, so after Kelsey I dated two more girls very short term before I graduated from high school. Their names were Nicole and Sara. Nicole and I dated for a couple of weeks but she dumped me after she realized I wouldn't have sex with her. Then Sara we only dated for like 12 hours, we started dating in the morning and I went to see her that night with some friends and she made out with one of my friends and dumped me for him.. So that one really caused a hurt, Nicole not so much because well I would have broken up with her myself shortly after she got to me first if she hadn't well got to me first. With Sara though that was a huge hurt because it was the first of a few times I was cheated on by a girl. Well so at this point in life I moved away from home to Joplin, Missouri for about three months and lived with a buddy in an apartment, this was a bad idea but there was no hurt involved. While I was there I dated this girl Cathy for awhile, she wasn't the prettiest girl in the world but she had an amazing personality, I really liked dating her but at times I am glad we didn't work out.. I wouldn't consider myself shallow but for her the personality wasn't enough to keep me attracted to her because more than once I would be out and about with or without her and some other girl would catch my eye. I think there is much more to love and relationships than looks but if there is no physical attraction I also believe that the relationship is doomed. Well from here I took a slight break, by slight I mean something like a month, I got back got resettled in with my parents and I got to hanging out with old friends again. This lead me back to the hometown of several of my ex's where I would meet my next girlfriend, Meagan. Now Meagan was pretty cool. I do believe that we should have just been friends, and actually I never intended to date her I actually liked another girl from there and I wanted to date that girl but her older brother who might have been a shaved gorilla scared the hell out of me and so I never asked her and when Meagan asked me out I took the offer. Well time for another paragraph break.

So Meagan and I dated for a couple months we started dating mid-January and about a month later it was Valentines day and for the first time I do believe ever I had a girlfriend for Valentines day so we did the cutesy exchange of Valentines and stuff. I bought her this huge teddy bear and some candy. I must stop here for a second and warn my readers the blog will become a little explicit here because I will not skip on the details. Well so like I said I bought her this huge teddy bear and some candy, my gift was when we got to her house after picking her up from school, I had a couple friends who were dating girls from the same town and we all went down there well after we picked them up from school we all went to the girls houses and hung out well, when she and I got to her place and got dropped off my gift from her, we went into her room locked the door, got into her bed started to make out and Eric got a handjob and a home made card. Well needless to say this began a downward sexual spiral in our relationship. Within another month of this we had moved to have sex every weekend when I went to see her while her mom was gone. I'd come down with a box of condoms and leave with it empty. This, this is the biggest hurt I've ever had. When we started having sex outside of the bounds of marriage I gave a piece of myself to a girl who didn't care. My friend Matt Latall the second floor RA at Maupin has this sticker on his laptop that says Condoms Can't Protect From a Broken Heart. I can really register with that because when Meagan dumped me a month later life felt like an empty voided hell for me. I just couldn't understand why I had to go through that pain, why I had to suffer for doing something natural. Well so after we broke up Meagan tried to get into my good friend Andrew's, who I more commonly call Dew, pants. Being the good quality of a friend he is Dew wouldn't let her which caused her to come back to me crying to be taken back and I again made a stupid mistake and took her back.. Well this lasted like with Kelsey only about a month and I dumped her because I had met a new girl, Kylee. Kylee I believe is the most physically attractive girl I have dated yet. She was wow.. Anyways so since I had made the mistake of sleeping with Meagan which in the long run is what ruined the relationship I decided I wouldn't be making that mistake again and I would be keeping it in my pants til I get married. Well so Kylee and come out of a pretty shitty relationship only a few weeks before we started to date and so we dated for a couple of months things were moving along at a good pace after dating for a few weeks we kissed the first time and as a whole things seemed good then I got a bombshell dropped on me when she called me up to tell me I was being dumped for her asshole ex-boyfriend. Well this is now the second or third time I've been cheated on because I later found out they had been seeing each other for a few days before I got dumped for him.. Well so I suffered another kind big hurt at this point. Well when I broke up with Kylee it was June, 2006. Yes most all of my girlfriends were in a short period of time which might be why things were so bad, but nonetheless in June of 2006 I dated the last time. After breaking up with Kylee I decided to take some time and sort some things out in my life and so I've ultimately taken 3 years now and well lets face it I've got stuff sorted out, or so I believe but there's been no girl since. This is bringing things back to the wedding now. Like I said at the wedding I felt hurts instead of joy for my brother who got married.

I felt hurt because, yes you probably guessed it, I feel unloved or at least unlovable. Since the last girlfriend I have tried to date a couple of girls and faced nothing but rejection after rejection and when I saw those two at the wedding confess their love and become one I died a little inside because all I could remember was throwing away so much of myself with girls who for the most part cared nothing for me really. Now for the part where I give this deep spiritual truth and this one should be seen coming. Jesus cares for us. In fact he ask us to cast our cares upon him.

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1 Peter 5:7 (New Living Translation)

7 Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.
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So I've been drawing the conclusion for a long time that these hurts don't have to bother me. Yes, I don't have to forget they happened but I have no reason to suffer from them anymore because I have cast the worries and cares to God. I've come to a new view on my relationship status. Yes we know where it says it is better to not marry and for reference here are a couple verses.

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It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. -- 1 Corinthians 7:1-2

For I would that all men were even as I myself.... I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. -- 1 Corinthians 7:7-9
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So like I mentioned my views on my relationship status have changed a little. In light of those verses and personal experience I know that I could go the rest of my life without sex. Do I want to get married and have children? Very very much so it is something I hope to someday do but I realize I could go without the sex. I also have come to realize God is calling me to an exceptional life. A life that is lived like a barbarian of faith, those who have read the book The Barbarian Way will understand this, one like Abraham where I am called to go. God will tell me where to stop but as for me, and I've written this before, I cannot settle to give less than 100% sadly people do not understand this and I am something of an outcast and I've already found its to extreme for a lot of people because I've been told I wouldn't be welcomed into their house for even a short stay because of my life choice. These people are like the people Christ talked about to the disciples when he said not everyone would welcome them in his name. I won't name anyone because its no one else's business who they are but again I have to ask for prayer about this because when the time comes and I go I go with just God and the trust that he will provide for me as I need as I give 100% of my everything over to Him and His service.

Well I've rambled on for a long time here and in the long run I just want to say hurts happen. When we become a Christian we are called to cast our worries and cares upon the Father who promises that if he takes care of flowers and birds that he will take care of us so much more. So thanks again for reading and letting me share these things with you. One love.

p.s. The picture doesn't have anything to do with this post really. I just think its cool and I want you to see it and be able to think of how God has painted so many beautiful things for us that can bring us joy even in trial and suffering. Praise God even when you face the darkest dark you think you can handle because like in the poem footsteps it is then that He carries you.

I need a hug.......

So like the title says I need a hug. For no apparent reason today has just downright sucked. Nothing overly bad happened, no one died, I slept in a warm bed last night, and even though I only had one meal today which I actually just ate I had the option to eat three meals. From the outside there's just no conceivable reason for me to be depressed. I can even tell you that on the inside I'm finding little reason to be depressed. In fact I'll let you in on a secret, even though I have a chemical imbalance which causes the depression I think I use it as an excuse.

So this Saturday is going to be pretty exciting Davidson get's married and I get to be there so I hope to have a good time. James will be here on Friday to hang out for the night then we are going to the wedding and then he will be going home after he drops me off back at home. Well so that's what's ahead this week. Since my last post I've come home but I've hardly done a thing. I've been listening to Bradley Hathaway tonight and one of his poems, Another One of Those Nights, stood out to me tonight like it has a few other times and so in closing I'm going to post the I guess they would be considered lyrics.

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So weary!
And leary…
And dreary…
Stop this mind from racing all the time
Restful peace, come hither, be mine
It was here earlier, but now it’s long gone and out of sight!
On this restless, sleepless, clogged up left nostril night
I remember sleep
And what a comfort it was
But now all it does is leave me lacking
Because even there these thoughts just won’t stop yacking
So I, I hit the floor and on bruised knees start banging down your door.
Can’t take this anymore
Holy Spirit manifest your being
Comfort this soul,
So that I can start singing of that peaceful feeling that any minute now you’ll be bringing
Grace grows in winter I am told
But that’s not what I want to hear right now, truth be known
It’s you Father that I desire
So put out this unholy fire
And set ablaze me anew
With a peace that comes only from you
Where else can I turn and what else may I do?
Here I am…
Yours!
Here I am…
Yours!
Here I am…
Yours!

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One love yo.

Untitled

So I've been staying at my grandparents now since Thursday, July 9. They picked up early that afternoon and took me out to their house where I've been more less continuously since that night. I came home tonight after I went and saw a movie with my good friend Jeff. I decided to update a little because I have the chance and because I've been having trouble sleeping lately so I thought maybe if I take my mind off of things with this for a little bit and just share a little something something I could maybe get to sleep and such.. So here goes.

On Friday night me and Jeff camped out. We were supposed to camp out again last night but his grandparents called him to say his brothers car had broken down which was in fact a lie they were using to lure him into an intervention because they have this idea that he has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Assuredly he does not. Anyways so we didn't camp because of that and then today it rained all freaking day so we're going to try and camp out one more night tomorrow here's to the hope that it works... So I had an interesting revelation while I was camping Friday night.. I have a ridiculous fear of ticks for someone who loves the outdoors. To overcome this I found that by relying on God's power and asking for it through prayer was more than enough to calm me and take me back to a place where I was not afraid of a tick. Further yet, that was an amazing moment for me.. I had all but given up hope at that point for God to even be listening to me, let alone be willing to give me some comfort and BAM right when I needed Him, God pulls through for me.

Today however at church we had communion which as we all know is that special time of the quarter where we get a nice little cracker and a little cup of grape juice and we pretend its the flesh of Christ and the blood of Christ and we partake of them ritualistically. All joking aside this is a very serious matter.. The pastor we have that is leading our church through the recovery time as it becomes "healthy" again explained the Lord's supper in a way that no pastor has ever put it for me... We aren't you know just observing the meal Christ had with the disciples.. We are literally celebrating His death. That really put things in a different perspective for me.. He then proceeded to state something rather obvious... If we were to live out our lives in the mood I guess it is that we get in when we understand what we are celebrating with it, we would live in a very depressed state. Well as we all know we should not partake of the Lord's supper if we are not in good standing because as Paul advises those who partake of it when not right with God are eating and drinking damnation. Well anyways this prompted me to spend a goo 15 minutes in prayer before I took what was handed to me to take.

That about brings us up to speed as to what I've achieved in the last couple of days... I do want to talk a little about my camping Friday night.. Like I said Jeff and I were camping and so while we sat around the fire talking and enjoying the night we got to talking about various things which somehow brought up some theological discussion and I think for the first time pretty much at all since school I had church. I mean yes I get up and go every Sunday morning but in the long run I end up just sitting there listening to someone talk for 45 minutes. However, on Friday night it was a time of real fellowship which I believe is what church is supposed to be. The gathering together of believers isn't so we can listen to a man talk for 45 minutes and sing a few of our little songs, its a time for us to get together talk, enjoy each others company, recharge, and worship God which Jeff and I did that night. Well I'm running out of stuff to actually say here and I will again ask for prayer things may have started to look up a little but I'm far from in the clear. One love.

Undignified

This maybe long or it maybe short I don't know yet.. I'm in a midway state where I don't know how much longer I will be awake I just finished up a pot of coffee like an hour ago but I'm not really all that awake right now still so hopefully bed comes soon. Anyways. Thursday afternoon I will be going to my grandparents house for the next 10 days til July 20 at which point I will return to civilization so there may not be another update til then. Just wanted to let everyone know in case you wonder where I disappear to.

Ok so next thought on the agenda. I've been thinking a little tonight and I'm going to share a few thoughts. For one I got to thinking why do I feel like I'm missing something when I am single? Truly I shouldn't when I am single I have a chance to dedicate all of my time, when not at school, to God and I should but I don't. I seem to spend a lot of that time on facebook, youtube, online games, msn, and thinking I'm missing something because I'm single.

Another thought I've had tonight is I'm about to spend 11 days out in the country. I can turn off all the electronics and spend that time alone. Alone with just myself and God. That would be a hell of a growing time if I would let it be but lets face it I probably won't. I'm going to get out there and instead of spending time with God in the nature He created I'm going to end up watching tv, eating, sleeping, and basically doing everything I do at home minus the internet for about 2 weeks. Sad.

Yet another thought deals with the title of the blog post. Undignified which I do believe all of my readers will realize is a song title. If not shame on you. "I will dance I will sing to be mad for my King nothing lord is hindering this passion in my soul I will become even more undignified than this..." I've been listening to this song most all night tonight and thinking bout doubts. I know doubts are a tool of Satan, an attempt to drag us down and destroy us. I know everyone faces doubts along the way but these are starting to kill me. There's just no relief and they are making me feel burdened and causing me to sin excessively... I think being transparent with people is the best option so I'm going to share with you what is happening and just ask that you pray for me like mad men.

Like so many guys our age I struggle with an addiction to pornography and masturbation. I've been pretty open about this with people and it's common knowledge among friends that I've struggled for a long time with this and want it to go away but it is my burden to bare and so I do hoping that it will someday serve a purpose. Well I've really just blown it lately a lot. That is adding to my doubts.. So about these doubts then I guess.. People always talk about how when you know Christ there is a change in your life. Well I got to be honest I don't know if I've ever experienced this huge change people talk about.. If anything I think I became worse after I became a "Christian". Before sure I looked at porn and stuff and would cuss but compared to the after it was minor. Now it seems like I can't go a day without looking at porn and beating off and unless I kind of think about what I'm going to say before I say it I about can't go long without cussing. This brings a HUGE doubt into my head that I even really repented but I know what happened that night when I was 15. I don't know what to do.. I feel like I'm living a sham of a life lying to people about everything.. I need advice but I don't know who I can turn to and the people I do feel like I can aren't local people and so what do I do.. email them?

I guess what its coming down to is I really need prayer about these doubts and for me to be able to live the life Christ has called me to. I post these blogs and I try at least to inspire the readers to live a Christ centered life, focusing on love but yet I struggle to even pray or read my bible. So if you will, please pray for me every time I cross your mind for the next several weeks through July the 20th. Pray for guidance and something to change.. This is a real Samson kind of thing. I need my brothers in Christ more than ever right now. Well I don't have much else to say so I'm going to shut up and lay down and think and pray about things.. To close this up I'm going to post a video. One love.