Undignified

This maybe long or it maybe short I don't know yet.. I'm in a midway state where I don't know how much longer I will be awake I just finished up a pot of coffee like an hour ago but I'm not really all that awake right now still so hopefully bed comes soon. Anyways. Thursday afternoon I will be going to my grandparents house for the next 10 days til July 20 at which point I will return to civilization so there may not be another update til then. Just wanted to let everyone know in case you wonder where I disappear to.

Ok so next thought on the agenda. I've been thinking a little tonight and I'm going to share a few thoughts. For one I got to thinking why do I feel like I'm missing something when I am single? Truly I shouldn't when I am single I have a chance to dedicate all of my time, when not at school, to God and I should but I don't. I seem to spend a lot of that time on facebook, youtube, online games, msn, and thinking I'm missing something because I'm single.

Another thought I've had tonight is I'm about to spend 11 days out in the country. I can turn off all the electronics and spend that time alone. Alone with just myself and God. That would be a hell of a growing time if I would let it be but lets face it I probably won't. I'm going to get out there and instead of spending time with God in the nature He created I'm going to end up watching tv, eating, sleeping, and basically doing everything I do at home minus the internet for about 2 weeks. Sad.

Yet another thought deals with the title of the blog post. Undignified which I do believe all of my readers will realize is a song title. If not shame on you. "I will dance I will sing to be mad for my King nothing lord is hindering this passion in my soul I will become even more undignified than this..." I've been listening to this song most all night tonight and thinking bout doubts. I know doubts are a tool of Satan, an attempt to drag us down and destroy us. I know everyone faces doubts along the way but these are starting to kill me. There's just no relief and they are making me feel burdened and causing me to sin excessively... I think being transparent with people is the best option so I'm going to share with you what is happening and just ask that you pray for me like mad men.

Like so many guys our age I struggle with an addiction to pornography and masturbation. I've been pretty open about this with people and it's common knowledge among friends that I've struggled for a long time with this and want it to go away but it is my burden to bare and so I do hoping that it will someday serve a purpose. Well I've really just blown it lately a lot. That is adding to my doubts.. So about these doubts then I guess.. People always talk about how when you know Christ there is a change in your life. Well I got to be honest I don't know if I've ever experienced this huge change people talk about.. If anything I think I became worse after I became a "Christian". Before sure I looked at porn and stuff and would cuss but compared to the after it was minor. Now it seems like I can't go a day without looking at porn and beating off and unless I kind of think about what I'm going to say before I say it I about can't go long without cussing. This brings a HUGE doubt into my head that I even really repented but I know what happened that night when I was 15. I don't know what to do.. I feel like I'm living a sham of a life lying to people about everything.. I need advice but I don't know who I can turn to and the people I do feel like I can aren't local people and so what do I do.. email them?

I guess what its coming down to is I really need prayer about these doubts and for me to be able to live the life Christ has called me to. I post these blogs and I try at least to inspire the readers to live a Christ centered life, focusing on love but yet I struggle to even pray or read my bible. So if you will, please pray for me every time I cross your mind for the next several weeks through July the 20th. Pray for guidance and something to change.. This is a real Samson kind of thing. I need my brothers in Christ more than ever right now. Well I don't have much else to say so I'm going to shut up and lay down and think and pray about things.. To close this up I'm going to post a video. One love.