A lot to say tonight....

So like the title says I have a lot to say tonight. There will be a lot of rambling so if you take the time to read this I do appreciate your willingness to sit through my ramblings once again.

First I wanna complain about bureaucracy. Bureaucracy is a nasty little thing that makes us conform to what a couple rich people think is what is best or forever be the outcast of society. I think this is kind of funny because its a lot like a video game that I've played before. Fallout 3. Fallout 3 is an interesting game which takes place in an apocalyptic future in which the world has undergone nuclear fallout. Well the character that you play in the game becomes an outcast because he doesn't conform and become another "happy" dweller in the vault and runs away after his father who recently escaped from the vault they live in and needless to say this pisses off some people which instigates the events of the game. Well I think this is a great demonstration of how a bureaucracy works. I have so much running across my mind right now that I am just going to let it go and that be that yo.

Ok second thought for this fun little blog... I am slipping into severe depression. I am so dissatisfied with life right now that its all I can do most mornings to drag myself out of bed. No I don't want to kill myself or anything that is nonsense. I just want things to be different.. I want to be home and not at a college I hate, I want to love myself like I claim I love other people, and really I just want to be accepted for who I am. So this brings up something I've been hearing a lot of lately. We've had this speaker here this week, who I am very impressed by, and he has been talking about the things we thirst for. Such as intimacy, well since that is the example I gave it obviously has something to do with me so to throw it out there I'm gonna say why. It is the thing I thirst for, more than a girlfriend, more than being a musician which is my biggest dream, and more than even being away from this place I hate so much. Well above I mentioned I want to love myself the way I claim to love others and because of this need to love myself which I am not doing I am beginning to wonder how can I expect someone else, in particular a girl who I am dating (I'm still single) to love me when I can't love her because I am to busy wallowing in self-hate? I truly want your thoughts on this because I don't know what to think.

This brings me into what I think will be the last thing I post here I am not feeling like a huge blog and I just wanted to get a few things out there for my own sake.. Anyways, I've been questioning things lately. At one time in the past I wrote in a blog that I didn't think I was supposed to do ministry anymore, like that I had lost the call to ministry.. Well this maybe ties into that a little.. I've been questioning if I truly believe God loves me. I'm sure this is more common than I want to think but for someone who has experienced God's love it seems that its got to be a much less common thing.. See I just wonder lately if God loves me then why am I suffering through a miserable time at a school I hate and why is it that when I have pure motives finally have pure motives behind the women I am seeking to have a relationship with (dating wise) I get rejected but when I have sought after women for impure, sexual, lustful reasons the female in question is all about it? What kind of love from God, who is supposed to be good, can that be? I want answers.. I want to understand why it is that I feel like this and why is it that when I try my hardest to follow God that things fall apart more rapidly than when I'm kinda just like ehh whatever. I'm not even talking about bad things falling apart good things. Like pursuit of a girl, a good girl, with pure motives.. Why does that fall apart, why do I suffer from non-earthly, non-secular things..?

Well I've rambled on enough so I'm gonna just shut up and post this.. If this does get read.. Please please please post a response with some thoughts I need something I don't know what....