In the gospel according to Mark there is an amazing story in chapter 9 where a boy possessed by an unclean spirit is brought to the disciples and they cannot get the spirit to leave. While they are trying and failing Jesus shows up and wants to know what is going on. So the boys father tells him and then Jesus cast out the spirit after rebuking the crowd and then when the disciples question him as to why they couldn't he reveals to them the answer. Now that is my paraphrase I suppose of what is going on and so I'm going to actually give the verses so that you can read the whole story for yourself and have them as actual reference available here as you work through my thoughts a little. The reference is Mark 9:14-29 and it reads:
14When they came back to the disciples, they saw a large crowd around them, and some scribes arguing with them.
15Immediately, when the entire crowd saw Him, they were amazed and began running up to greet Him.
16And He asked them, "What are you discussing with them?"
17And one of the crowd answered Him, "Teacher, I brought You my son, possessed with a spirit which makes him mute;
18and whenever it seizes him, it slams him to the ground and he foams at the mouth, and grinds his teeth and stiffens out. I told Your disciples to cast it out, and they could not do it."
19And He answered them and said, "O unbelieving generation, how long shall I be with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring him to Me!"
20They brought the boy to Him. When he saw Him, immediately the spirit threw him into a convulsion, and falling to the ground, he began rolling around and foaming at the mouth.
21And He asked his father, "How long has this been happening to him?" And he said, "From childhood.
22"It has often thrown him both into the fire and into the water to destroy him. But if You can do anything, take pity on us and help us!"
23And Jesus said to him, " 'If You can?' All things are possible to him who believes."
24Immediately the boy's father cried out and said, "I do believe; help my unbelief."
25When Jesus saw that a crowd was rapidly gathering, He rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it, "You deaf and mute spirit, I command you, come out of him and do not enter him again."
26After crying out and throwing him into terrible convulsions, it came out; and the boy became so much like a corpse that most of them said, "He is dead!"
27But Jesus took him by the hand and raised him; and he got up.
28When He came into the house, His disciples began questioning Him privately, "Why could we not drive it out?"
29And He said to them, "This kind cannot come out by anything but prayer."
Now I am far from prepared right now to be able to give any kind of exegetical worthy interpretation of what is happening here and I won't be trying to as that is not my purpose. My goal is actually to consider where the father says to Jesus, "I do believe; help my unbelief." As of late I have been weighing some tough questions out the kind of questions that will get you branded a heretic by many of the leaders of the American Church today. Rob Bell has recently asked some tough questions about Heaven and as such has been branded as something of a heretic by many in the American Church. Now I'm not posting this to talk about Rob Bell and his book which is causing this "problem" I have not read the book and as such cannot take a real stance on it and it would be unfair of me to try to. Anyway, I've been wrestling with tough questions lately and considering different perspectives. These questions seem to boil down mostly to one central concept and I hate it that this is what I've been questioning and yet, I really truly believe that God wants us to ask questions and to wrestle with our faith more than just simply take everything at face value. So anyway the question is "Is God really good?" This question comes in the spirit of agnosticism which scares me because I'm not an agnostic by any means. Sure I have questions but I would dare say that every Christian who is honest with themself have questions sometimes they are big, tough, gritty questions. Now as far as my question goes I have an answer. I know in my head the answer to this question and the answer is, "Yes. God is good. Without a doubt, I've experienced numeous occasions where the only plausible explanation is God is good." This is where I run into a wall and this is where this post springs from. I have head knowledge that God is good. I think I need to have more firmly rooted faith that He is good rather than just head knowledge. I say I think I do because no matter how much I think I need more faith it seems evident to me that Jesus might tell me I don't need more faith I just need to rely on the faith I have more. I think of when Jesus talks about how if someone has just the tiniest bit of faith they can tell a mountain to relocate itself and it will. When I consider that it makes me think its not about how much faith its about really believing that. That said, I think that my head knowledge needs to convert over to solid faith in what I know to be true.
Last night I was laying in bed and I didn't get any sleep until sometime around 4 this morning and as I lay there I kept thinking about the father in that story. Lord I believe; help my unbelief. Its not that I believe God isn't good, its that I don't believe He is. Even then that is a misrepresentation of whats going on with me right now. Its even still more like I'm just not solid in that belief that He is good. I believe it but soon as stuff hits the fan that belief begins to waiver and so I found myself laying in bed crying out to God. Lord I believe; help my disbelief. After that I found myself thinking I know God isn't exactly the "strike a deal" type but He does want to help me so then I started to cry out "God, if I invest in really trying to find you through the Bible will you help build up my faith?" I think, and I think many others do too, that this is how God works. Its not really that we struck a deal, its more me saying God I'm going to do my part and seek after You, please do Your part and turn a heart of stone into a heart of flesh and blood. I think God wants to help us build and/or strengthen faith. I thank Curtis for reminding me of such a thing, but we cannot sit idly by and do nothing we have to do our part and that is seeking after God. Its not easy, it won't be easy and for anyone to say that it would be is to claim foolishness. So again I say, "Lord I believe; help my disbelief." I know I am not the only person in the world who is asking questions, I know I'm not the only person in the world who knows something has to give. Fortunately I also know there are friends who pray for me all the time even though they can't seem to get inside of my head enough to figure out why it is that I say or do some of the things I say and do they keep praying that something happens. Its a shame however, that sometimes when all you really want/need is for someone to just sit and listen that the only way you are going to get that is to pay a therapist because your friends want to help more than by just listening. Appreciate their concern, but if you really just need someone to listen tell them and if they can't do just that then find someone who will. As I bring this to a close I simply ask that if you read this and feel driven to do such post a comment, share your own story. Post it annonymously if need be I'm sure this blogging service allows for such, if it doesn't then I'm really sorry about that I guess but please post anyway if you feel comfortable. I also ask that you pray for me. I'm in the midst of this while also trying to figure out where I'm going with my future, college graduation is just around the corner and after that I have life to live in the post college world. I'm weighing some options and I will probably post about that in the future I'm not sure that all just depends on how long I have to go without a laptop as my is going to the shop later. Anyway I'm sure there are still many post to come in the next weeks on a few things and today might end up being a special double post Friday as I have another topic I really want to post about as well.
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